Phat of the Land: My Greatest Fics
by BooBoo
Summary: Since I am retireing I figured I better go out show-casing my best work. There are the 8 fics with the best reviews plus an intro and an outro. ENJOY!
1. Intro

Welcome to my greatest fics archive. These are the fics I wrote that got the best reviews so it is safe to say that you chose them. This is my last fic and I will be retireing after this. Read and enjoy, and review. 


	2. The Idiot and the Odd-essy

These are two epic poems (fancy word for short story) and are also part 1 of a trilogy but don't worry there is no "to be continued" here. Ladies and gentlemen presenting THE IDIOT and THE ODD-ESY  
  
The Idiot  
The Idiot Foreword  
  
This is a story all about how my life got flipped turned, upside down I'd like to take a minuet so just sit right down and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Mineral Town.  
The Idiot  
  
It's been ten years since I set foot on this farm. Damn, what tropical depression rocked this place. Wait, hold on, that last margarita might be messin' with my head a little bit here. The next morning "Holy Sass-e-fras" this place is for real. It's like my momma always said "life is like a 3.6 liter per flush toilet, you never know what you're going to get. Shut up, my mom was to st-st-stupid to understand that 3.6 liters per flush means you get 3.6 liters per flush every single time you flush. I started to get mid-evil with my hammer and my axe while my young puppy, Butt-ox, went #1 on the weeds (I always knew he would be good for something).  
"You lie like a rug."   
"Shut up inner thoughts."  
"Make me."  
"Fine."  
I picked up my hammer and hit myself as hard as I could right on the dome. I woke up to some meat-head doctor and his secretary who looks like an over grown 12-year-old. Then it hit me the doctor would look good with Manna. Just picture it the guy who don't smile with the lady who don't shut up. Any who, the next day I did a little woman hunting. First, I met a chick with a flower-humpin' hippie for a father. And by the smell of the library, somebody was doing some serious reefer up in that pad. Next I went to the supermarket and CRIPE! What a woman. Her name was Karen and she told me that she modeled for Victoria's Secrets in her spare time ( my kind of woman).Anyway after I bought seeds Jeff called me over. "I want you to eliminate Rick." he said.  
"Why" I asked  
"He stole my hair grease"  
"Well you use enough of it"  
"Just shut up and do what I ask"  
I already knew of Elli so I decided to check out the inn. I found a decent looking young lady. Her dad called me over and I said she seems cheerful and he got all pissed at me. Next I went to the chicken farm. No, you're kidding me, aw man her hair IS pink. The girl scared me so I left. I found her up at the hot spring crying about a chicken Rick yelled at her for loosing. When she told me I lost it, I was laughing so hard I piddled in my panties. BOOM! BOOM! ahhhhhh, she is beating me with a bamboo shoot. She beat me to the ground. "Wow! nice aquamarine under briefs." I yelled. No she never, she is pullin a gun out of her dress. Just then Karen came out of nowhere and laid her out with a "Walker Texas Ranger" roundhouse kick. We ran to our house and Karen started to care for my wounds. We started loosing clothing layer by layer. Out of her bra Karen pulled a silencer( now I can cap people without being heard). just then Rick came in. "Karen" he yelled. TINK! TINK! TINK! three direct hits. After I made a burnt offering out of Rick, I saw a homo-monkey flying around in a plane saying in a high, squeaky voice "It's Diddy OHOH AHAH!" So I shot him. Then I went back to Karen to finish our "business." They next morning WE woke up.  
"Hootie and the poofish"  
"What's wrong Karen."  
"My dad's going to kill me."  
" that's okay just pass out on a bench in the square say you were drunk and nobody will ask."  
  
(Karen's point of view)  
I hope he is right. Oww, what the hell, my thong is on backwards. That smarts, well, not really, it hurts unreasonably bad. Here is a bench, it is time to act drunk.  
  
(Back to good old Jack-a-roo's p.o.v.)  
I'm sure glad I asked those poo elves to take care of my chores for me. I talked to the orange one and he said something about having fun while I was paying him to work so I shot him. I couldn't let him go to waste and I didn't have a kitchen so I spa-boiled him, added a little bar-b-q sauce, and yummy num-nums (women like when men talk like babies). But I was still hungry so I saw I little green dino come out of the mine singing an annoying song and grunting like he was constipated or something so I shot him and ate him for desert. Then I just realized that I had made dinner of Yoshi. Oh' well he gets my goat and if he grunted one more time I was going to go to the nearest drugstore and buy him a lifetime supply of X-lax.   
  
Idiot PART 2  
  
On the fourteenth of winter me and Karen were wed. We became Mr. and Mrs. (long, even unreasonably long pause with scattered gaseous episodes, in layman's terms off and on farting) Jack Me-Off. Naw, just playing, I don't have a last name so I was Jack and she was Karen and the rather fatted calf in the barn is my drinking buddy, Saddam Hussein, but I just called him the "Iraqi Irabu ." I think she goes around the barn saying mmmoooooo and if I'm not mistakin' that means "Darned American's. I bomb your place, I killa you, killa you dead." I hadn't shot anybody fore a whole 3 months. I was watching Oprah and then something hit me. What's up with Oprah she's fat, she's thin, fat, thin, fat, thin, when will she decide to be a book reading fat-ass or a skinny lady who helps Jamima find his half brother's second uncle who was lost in a plane crash over Mianus,... the town in Connecticut I mean. Fall 13 of my second year in the village Karen gave birth to my son the name bestowed on him was Chauncy. But then the worst thing happened: the date 30, the season winter, the third year, I just learned that the village accepted me and to celebrate I was going to plant a flower garden like a soft-core patsy. I went to Won to get the hook up and he said he did magic and that the seeds were in my toolbox. The dialogue went like this:  
"Let me see the seeds, man"  
"They're in your toolbox"  
"Give them to me"  
"You have them"  
"Let me see them"  
"Against my policy"  
TINK! TINK! two bullets to the head now Won is head. But what will happen now that I am accepted.  
  
The Odd-esy  
The Odd-esy foreword  
  
It was the best of times  
It was the worst of times  
It was the age of wisdom  
It was the age of foolishness  
It was the epoch of belief  
It was the epoch of incredulity   
It was the season of God  
It was the season of Satan  
It was the spring of hope   
It was the winter of despair  
We had everything before us  
We had nothing before us  
In short, the good believed they were evil  
and the evil believed they were good  
  
Odd-esy  
  
For every friend there was an enemy. For every enemy, an ally. One was either wretched or glorified. The three-year battle had ended but the war has just begun. Aside from all the fancy talk, while having a bout with the runs an ingenious idea hit me. I am going to have Siabra whip me up a fancy sausage maker. First I tried to put a live chicken in the machine ( yes I know sausage is cow brains mixed with twice fried emu balls). And unless you are a sadistic freak I would not put a live chicken in a sausage maker. Just then I got a bright idea. I was doing to make a batch of "Kano sausage." I sent a carrier pigeon to Kano with a note that said "Come to the Phat Farm (the name of my farm) for a swinging bachelor party, Love Jack." To this day I have no clue to why I wrote "love Jack." When he got there we played a little game. For him it went one tequila.........................................two tequila...............................three tequila............................floor. Now it was time to see what happens. If you would have heard his bones grinding it would have brought a song to your heart. Just then my dad came to visit my farm. I just got an idea." Daddy would you like some sausage."  
"Why yes son. Here's 4g for you troubles"  
"Thank you for taking all of it off my hands, pops."  
"Whenever."  
What an old fart. He's gonna have indigestion for a good rest of his life. The next day Karen returned from her vacation in Ohio. you know what they say "Ohio, Ohio, the heart of America TWANG TWANG TWANG-TWANG-TWANG." All of a sudden...( drum roll which isn't good for anything except to take up space) Oprah appeared. Not really, I just wanted to get you all exited and think that Oprah was going to be turned into rather large links of sausage( she was in a fat stage). I turned into the best sausage chef in Mineral Town but that is probably cause I'm the only one. Any way, that night Karen made kabob's and we stabbed Balushi (the guy from animal house) dolls with them pointy things the kabob's were onto take out our frustration of having the chance to go to Yale but taking over a farm instead. But now, tree years after I was excepted, life is pretty normal. I don't scratch Mr. Willis unless he's itchy or get Old Testament on a man's rectum unless he makes me very, very angry. I'm married with children and life is good. I got a bad case of the crabs that needs taken care of. You are the weakest link, goodbye  
  
  
still to come.....  
  
You only die twice- Yeah you heard the Idiot but you didn't hear all the saucy details. Won's ghost comes back to tell his side of the story  
  
Mystrile is forever- What happened after the Odd-esy. Find out here  
  
send good comments to Brd115@cs.co  
and bad ones to Boodogg24553@hotmail.com  
  
copyright 2001 BooBoo comedy and literature inc.  
special thanks to guest appearances by Diddy Kong, Yoshi, Oprah, and Balushi. 


	3. You Only Die Twice

You Only die Twice  
By: BooBoo  
  
  
Foreword:  
This fanfic is a sequel to "The Idiot and the Oddesy" if you have not read that I request that you do so you understand the story lines of this story. The story you are about to read is the re-telling of "The Idiot"  
  
Y.O.D.T. foreword:  
Flying 'cross the universe upon a troubled star. Uncertainty is all around we don't know who we are. Lately I've been wond'rin if it's ever gonna come the days are gettin shorter and the changes have begun  
  
Y.O.D.T.:  
As Harris and Doug were searching the crime scene of the supposed murder of Won TheGame, a flash came down from the heavens." Aunt Bill's old cow Smythhiggans's grave!" yelled Harris. "Who or better yet what the Hell are you."  
"I'm the ghost of Won but somehow all the damn shits I meet seem to forget about me. Everybody thinks that Jack is so wonderful but now I will tell you the real story and believe me it ain't pretty or suitable for young children so please remove all children and people who are offended by the use of mild profanity move yo' John Brown hind parts right out the vicinity of the computer monitor's range."   
"Nine years ago my wife Lost and my son Tied were killed when my Uncle Beth passed some serious gas at my family reunion. Because of this I was sad and decided to take up the life of a sneaky, conniving (no not the President of the United States) I was a low-down, no good, sly fox ....drum roll...door to door salesman. I heard a new piss ant moved into Mineral Village so I went to sell him an apple that has been preserved in Grandpa Thelma's butt hair for three years for 500 g. He didn't buy it off me and that pissed me off but I got him back with a flower pot and a dog ball that he bought for a price way over acceptable. He did some strange things like one time he had to be pretty desperate for women because he asked Rick out on a date. He wasn't gay though, he thought Rick was a woman. And I'll never forget the time him and Karen were at the beach and him and Gregg were reminiscing about their days pimpin' it up in Cincinnati. Since those two moments and the stories I heard of him eating famous Nintendo characters he was pretty normal for the first month. Then he attempted to make Pastor Carter turn his beliefs from that damn goddess to God, almighty savoir of all, PRAISE THE LORD. Then Potpourri came in and asked what church is and good old Jack-a-roo told her it was where fagots like Carter butt-f***  
the damn goddess. Potpourri ran home with pieces of liquid turd running down her leg. And then the straw that broke the camels back came. One day at the bar Basil was so stoned he was running around offering hits the inn's cats. And Jacky was drunk off his donkey so they decided to change the meaning of a cock fight (fight between chickens). They were gonna have a sword fight with their Mr. Willis's. Basil's doink was so small from doing all that dope that Jack stabbed him once with his ding-a-ling and Basil fell of the table and broke his cock. He was hospitalized for a year with his shattered millimeter peter. Then after he was on Stu's team and they lost the tomato festival there was a brawl. Stu grabbed Jack's testicals and pushed him against a barrel and said 'Don't rape me when I'm mad or I'll loose my panties.' But Jack kept poking Stu with his penis until Stu got off him and ran home screaming ' Help my thong is on backwards!' There was also the time he made sausage out of Kano, you know the story, gruesome, isn't it? And then the day came. Jack and Basil were smoking Miracle Grow and got blazed. Then when I told him he had his seeds he shot me and you, Harris, was also high and you pissed your pants and ran. Since you can only die twice, that is the last time I tell my story. You are the biggest egg sucking patsy, yes you Harris, GOODBYE!"  
  
Still to come:  
Mystrile is forever- life after the Oddesy for Jack's son Chauncy and his bitch, the daughter of Elli and the doctor. I bet you are getting haemorrhoids just thinking about it.  
  
  
copyright 2001 BooBoo comedy and Literacy inc.  
I BooBoo now retire all of my Oprah and dope-smokin' Basil jokes as of now (probably until my next story because it's so hard to find good jokes these days cause piss-heads Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, and Chris Farley have used them all.) 


	4. Mystrile is Forever

Mystrile IS FOREVER  
By: BooBoo  
  
Hello my name is Chauncy Me-Off. If you don't know who I am then please go read the first two parts of this trilogy they are "The Idiot and the Oddesy" and "You Only Die Twice" and you'll find out. If you don't feel like reading them than I shall tell you that I am the son of Karen and Jack Me-Off. He goes my story.  
  
MIF Foreword:  
The first thing I remember was askin' papa "Why?" Cause' there were many things I didn't know. Daddy always smiled and took me by the hand sayin' someday you'll understand.  
Well I'm here to tell you now each and every mother's son, You better learn it fast: you better learn it young cause someday never comes.  
Well, the time and tears went by and I collected dust, for there were many things I didn't know. And daddy went away and said "Try to be a man and someday you'll understand."  
Well I'm here to tell you now each and every mother's son, You better learn it fast: you better learn it young cause someday never comes.  
  
Mystrile is forever:  
That's right daddy left me when I was 18. As he walked away he sang the words to a famous Credence Clearwater Revival son "Someday Never Comes" which I have offered the first two verses of it as my foreword. He told me of the times when he had to resurrect a farm and now it was my turn. As for him he had all this money and nothing to spend it on, so him, Karen, and Cliff sit around rollin' doobies in a van, DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!! But unlike him I was already married to a beautiful young miss named Thelma. She is the daughter of the doctor and Elli. From what I hear she takes after the doctor's side because I've always heard talk of the doctor being the son-of-a-whore which really wouldn't surprise me.  
I had no reason for farming because I was a gangsta and no I will not bust out another oldie on your new-wave asses you fuckin' electric guitar humping motherfuckers. Yes all you who like bands named after food products can blow me, my name is Chauncy Me-Off, and the number is 1-800-98-ur-daddy.  
My story takes a turn for the suckiest of asses here. Well Ellen died but they never buried her decaying carcass just sits in her rocking chair and rambles and every time I walk past she says "Use a condom when you fuck my great-granddaughter, she isn't ready for a child yet."   
I usually reply "How ya doin' Ellen, why don't you go fuck a duck."  
Another thing I hate is fuckin queer-ass racists who butt-fuck each other. They murdered Greg. I swear to every mothers son I will get those fuckballs back. They kill my brother in cold blood with hatred in they hearts. But then they was burning their crosses in my cabbages (I decided to farm anyway, you know, it's a hobby), I remembered something my father reminded me of before he went off. He told me in case of an emergency look in the back right corner of the tool chest, so I did. I pulled out a automatic 9mm handgun fitted with a silencer. I went outside TINK! TINK! TINK! There were three of them, I removed the hoods: Jeff(no surprise that damn dago), Doug, and What the Hell? BASIL!!! Well I pissed on their dead bodies and shipped them to the Grand Dragon with a note that says "Killed by a Roman Catholic."  
But times were tough. The only way for a man to make money as a farmer was to grow your own food and steal. Duke and Siabra went Global and Jeff's market was bought out by Shop n' Save. And in the midst of it all my dad committed suicide. It wasn't an overdose. When the three fagots who I just capped threw a grenade at his, Mom's, and Cliff's van he fell on it so he would be the only one to get killed by the explosion. Pretty stupid if you ask me, I mean after all the people Dad shot he wasn't gonna be like a saint or meet the Pope or anything. In fact, many of times he has told me that if he ever met the pope he was gonna punch him in the nuts and say "Now speak 19 different languages you old shit-monkey!"  
But he left a list for things for me to do and it went like this:  
1. punch Carter in his nuts  
2. kill Jeff just because he uses ten pounds of hair grease a day.  
3. fart on Stu because he sucks  
4. finish what I started  
Finish what my dad started. What does he mean? Could it be, no it cant, please no. If I have to finish the conspiracy that he has tried to stop, the re-rise of the Nazi's. Or maybe he just wants me to make the rest of Kano into sausage, yep that's it. So I put Kano's legs and head into the old sausage maker and oh shit. Damn, that must be why my grand-pappy died of Cock-Suckers disease, look how purple that meat is.  
As I was walking down the street pedaling the sausage I saw Stu. So I turned and passed gas on him. I then sold the sausage to Carter and as he unloaded it POW! right in the family jewels, the bits and pieces, the ni-nis, the meatballs, the little soldiers, the yakadoric smolisks, and all the other slang terminology for testicals. I think the urge to punch religious officials in the crab apples is in the family blood.   
And my dad also told me that shooting Nintendo characters was a little reflex my family had. I walked into the square and a fat Italian dude cam sprinting out of a bar, he was high. He was sprinting around saying "It's-a-me Mario." And something clicked, almost by instinct I pulled out my gun and capped his ass. I wasn't afraid, I just tossed him in the ocean.  
I forgot to mention my daughter, Bertha. I received a note from that grand dike(dragon) who I sent the three fagots in a hood to. He said he was coming for me. I made the wifey and baby Bertha to flee. The next day I received a knock on my door. An old guy with piss stains on his pants broke down the door and stabbed me. All I had was one bullet left and no more clips. All of a sudden a gun shot rang out. The Grand Dragon fell and in the pistol smoke was ..........................................................Dad!!! "I thought you were dead." I said  
"Remember, son, you only die twice." And as he said that he sang the words of the last verse of the CCR song, he sang "I think it was September, the year I went away, for there were many things I didn't know; and I still see you standin' tryin' to be a man but someday you'll understand. Well I'm here to tell you now each and every mother's son, You better learn it fast; you better learn it young cause someday never comes." And with this he shat himself in the foot and then he went and jumped off Mother's Hill. My dad was always a dick. You are the weakest leisure-bird goodbye.  
  
  
That is the Trilogy  
  
CREDITS-Idiot Foreword-"Fresh Prince of Mineral Town(yeah I know it's village)"  
Oddesy foreword- First paragraph of "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens  
It's a great book, I recommend it   
Y.O.D.T. foreword-"Outside Help" written and sung by Johnny rivers in 1975  
M.I.F foreword="Someday never comes" written by the incomparable John   
Fogerty and sung by Credence Clearwater Revival  
featuring John Fogerty  
  
I would also like to say thanks to all my readers and to my 3'6" classmate Zack a.k.a. Ace87MC who without him, I wouldn't have ever played or known about Harvest Moon and who is also gonna' put some freaky death grip on me when we get back to school for calling him 3'6"  
  
Still to come- Although the trilogy is done I am still going to write fanfics. I think I'm going to write a Super Mario fic and then I will be back to my old HM fanfics. Thanks for reading. 


	5. Jack's Appearance on the Weakest Link

Jack's appearance on "The Weakest Link"  
By: BooBoo  
  
Foreword: It's been a while but I'm coming off my writing vacation and this is my first HM fic since the trilogy. That was a pain to write. Note to writers "NEVER WRITE A TRILOGY!!!"  
-----------------------------------------------------  
  
Host: Welcome to the weakest link. Since I'm experiences severe hemorrhoids and I don't feel like putting up with you uneducated slobs we have 5 contestants . Lets meet them. Bill tell us what you do.  
  
Bill: I design underwear for elderly people.  
  
Host: I know they make me feel sexy  
  
Bill: mmmmmmmm... I love it  
  
Jack: I don't  
  
Host: Shut up, how about you Elka  
  
Elka: I'm-a Sveedish  
  
Jack: No-a sheet  
  
Host: Jack you are incompetent  
  
Jack: Can Ex-lax cure that  
  
Elka: that's-a constipated  
  
Host: It is your turn Floppy, you brainless piece of poop  
  
Floppy: As a wise man once said "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"  
  
Host: I will decide who is wise and by the meaning of what you just said you must be a stupid ass  
  
Floppy: Spankx  
  
Host: Jack  
  
Jack: I'm a farmer  
  
Host Ha... your a f***ing looser  
  
Jack: That's not what my pitch fork thinks  
  
Host: Let's forget that. Last, introduce yourself Ron  
  
Ron: I'm unemployed and I sit on my ass all day and drink beer  
  
Host: so your an average American  
  
Host: Let's start. Bill, What word does "therapist" turn into  
  
Bill: UUUMMM... The rapist  
  
Host: correct. Elka, when was Jesus born  
  
Elka: In a Sveeden  
  
Host: no I asked when  
  
Host: Floppy what are you  
  
Floppy: a wise man  
  
Host: No a fagot hahaha. Jack, what is 3*7  
  
Jack: 21, I ain't stupid  
  
Host: even if you were right I'm always on my period and I hate you  
  
Jack: thank you, Mrs. Superwhore  
  
Host: Bill, (all of a sudden the lights went out and gunshots rang out)  
  
(Every body in the studio exept Ron and the host were shot to death. The host had a pitch fork in her head with a note that said " I told you so you incredible bitch." Jack had disappeared and Ron was sittind there sleeping with a brew in his left hand)  
  
ANOTHER UNSOLVED MYSTERY  
GOIN' DOWN IN HISTORY 


	6. Jack on Jeopardy

Celebrity/HM Jeopardy  
  
By: the incredible BooBoo ( I couldn't help myself)  
  
*******************************************  
  
After the first round of Jeopardy the score stands Sean Connery 3$/ Jack -5$/ Ghost of Archey Bunker 0$  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Trebeck(T): Welcome back for Double Jeopardy  
  
Connery(C): I see ya didn't sit down during the commercial break Trebeck, ya have a hot date last night  
  
Archey(A): hahaha... what's wrong with you meathead, the guy you was raping' wasn't my little goyrl ( the way A. Bunker pronounces "Girl")  
  
Jack(J): lets play dammit I have negative five dollars which I can't even use in my town because the poo suckers use gold  
  
T: the categories are MOBY DICK, TALE OF TWO CITIES, ORIGINAL CONDOMINIUMS, HARRY POTTER, FAMOUS TITLES  
  
T: Mr. Connery you have control of the questions  
  
C: I'll take Harry Pecker for 200  
  
T: you mean Potter  
  
C: whatever  
  
T: What is Harry Potter's pet raven's name (BEEP) Yes ghost of Archie Bunker  
  
A: Meathead  
  
C: It must be that because every time I say "Harry Pecker" you get a small hill in your pants  
  
T: NOOO that is irrelevant , Jack you have control  
  
J: How's about Famous Tities for 600  
  
T: ok(sigh)(BEEP) yes Mr. Connery  
  
C: your mom's Trebeck, everybody has seen 'em  
  
T: NO MR. CONNERY  
  
J: easy home skillet, all that grease in your hair will start to melt  
  
C: I was wondering Trebeck, where did your get your toupee  
  
T: IT'S REAL   
  
(Trebeck rips all of his hair out of his head)  
T: Mr. Bunker you have control of the board  
  
A: give me meathead for $591.99  
  
T: that is neither a category or a denomination   
  
A: make it meathead  
  
T: no!!!! Jack has control  
  
J: Give me "A Tale of Two Shities" for 2,000,000  
  
T: say one word in the entire novel (beep) Mr. Connery  
  
C: Trebeck sucks  
  
T: whatever, take control Mr. Connery  
  
C: give me Moby Dick  
  
T: what sea was the giant whale Moby Dick in (BEEP) Jack of Mineral Village  
  
J: the giant whale is in my pants  
  
Audience: hahahahaha  
  
J: yeah Trebeck just ask your mom, we also used one of the categories... Original condoms!!! hahaha  
  
T: this is enough lets get to Final Jeopardy and get this over with  
  
T: aw to hell with it just name a town  
(annoying music)  
  
J: Mineral Village  
  
T: good lets see what you wagered  
  
J: nothing  
  
T: Ok Mr. Bunker  
  
a: MEATHEAD!!!  
  
T: Noo!!  
  
A: Fine then  
  
T: I don't want to ask but what is your answer Mr. Connery  
  
C: Mianus  
  
T: despite your attempt to be funny you are correct, that is a small town in Connecticut. What is your wager  
  
T: is what Trebeck sucks the poop out of. hahaha get it Mianus is what Trebeck sucks the poop out of   
  
T: I'm tired of this I'm leaving and taking all the money. Fwahahahaaaa 


	7. Harvest Moon Farmers Anthem

HM Farmers Anthem  
  
Stop drop shut 'em down open up shop   
Oh no that's how HM Farmers roll   
Stop drop shut 'em down open up shop   
Oh no that's how HM Farmers roll   
sheep wanna try (what)   
sheep wanna lie (what)   
Then sheep wonder why (what)   
sheep wanna die (what)   
  
All I know is pain (what)   
All I want is rain (what)   
How can I maintain? (what)   
Wit' cow shit on my brain (what)   
I resort to farming(what)   
My chickens move in silence (what)   
Like you don't know what our style is (what)   
HM Farmers the wildest (what)   
My cows is wit' it (what)   
You want it, come and get it (what)   
Took it then we split it (what)   
You fuckin' right we did it (what)   
What the fuck you gon' do? (what)   
When we run up on you (what)   
Fuckin' wit' the wrong barnyard crew (what)   
Don't know what we gon' do (what)   
I'ma have to show sheep(what)   
How easily we blow sheep(what)   
Lem'me find out, here's some mo' sheep(what)   
That's runnin' wit' yo' sheep(what)   
Nothin' we can't handle (what)   
Break it up and dismantle (what)   
Light it up like a candle (what)   
Just 'cuz I can't stand you (what)   
Put my shit on sale(what)   
Like you was in Hell(what)   
Think you shippin' grapes(what)   
Then you havn't met the apes (what)   
Stop drop shut 'em down open up shop   
Oh no that's how HM Farmers roll   
  
Stop drop shut 'em down open up shop   
Oh no that's how HM Farmers roll   
sheep wanna try (what)   
sheep wanna lie (what)   
Then sheep wonder why (what)   
sheep wanna die (what)   
  
  
Is yall sheep crazy? (what)   
I'll bust you and be Swayze (what)   
Stop actin' like a baby (what)   
Mind yo' business lady (what)   
Nosey cows get it to (what)   
When you see me spit at you (what)   
You know I'm tryin' to get rid o' you (what)   
Yeah I know it's pitiful (what)   
That's how farmers get down (what)   
Watch my honkies spit rounds (what)   
Make yall sheep kiss ground (what)   
Just for talkin' shit clown (what)   
Oh you think it's funny (what)   
Then you don't know me Money (what)   
It's about to get ugly (what)   
Fuck it dog, I'm hungry (what)   
I guess you know what that means (what)   
Come up off that field of green (what)   
5 sheep on the thing (what)   
Don't make it a slaughter house scene (what)   
Give a dog a bone (what)   
Leave a dog alone (what)   
Let a dog roam (what)   
And he'll find his way home (what)   
Home of the brave (what)   
My home is a cave (what)   
And yo, I'ma hick(what)   
Till my home is an intelligent pick(what)   
I'ma tractor pull later(what)   
It's all about the papers (what)   
sheep caught the vapors (what)   
And now they want to rape us (what)   
Stop drop shut 'em down open up shop   
  
Oh no that's how HM Farmers roll   
Stop drop shut 'em down open up shop   
Oh no that's how HM Farmers roll   
sheep wanna try (what)   
sheep wanna lie (what)   
Then sheep wonder why (what)   
sheep wanna die (what)   
  
  
Look what you done started (what)   
Axe for it you got it (what)   
Had it should'a shot it (what)   
Now you're dearly departed (what)   
Get at me dog did I rip shit? (what)   
Wit' this one here I'll flip shit (what)   
animals know when I kick shit (what)   
It's gon' be some slick shit (what)   
What was that look for? (what)   
When I walked in the door (what)   
Oh you thought you was raw (what)   
Boom, not any more (what)   
'Cuz now you on the floor (what)   
Wishin' you never saw (what)   
Me walk through that door (what)   
With with those clippers(what)   
Now it's time for bed (what)   
Two more to the head (what)   
Got the floor red (what)   
Yeah that diseased cow's dead (what)   
Another unsolved mystery (what)   
Is goin' down in history (what)   
sheep ain't never been shit to me (what)   
Bitch ass sheep can't get to me (what)   
Gots ta make a move (what)   
Got a point to prove (what)   
Got ta make 'em groove (what)   
Got 'em all like 'ooooh' (what)   
So until the next time (what)   
You hear this honky rhyme (what)   
Try to keep your mind (what)   
On gettin' crops and time(what)   
Stop, drop, shut 'em down open up shop   
Wool is cheap mother fucker 


	8. Survival Games

Survival Games  
  
Jack was laying on his bed in a deep depression one balmy late winter morning. A few days ago his cattle were stolen and his chickens were hung from his apple tree which was burnt down the next day. One thing did seem pretty suspicious, Kai had a few of his cronies come check up on the village on a regular basis. I had this sickening feeling like Jeff pissed someone off again and they were coming for him. His past bouts with debts may have made him a few enemies. But it seems odd because he never bought anything off Kai and what would Kai want with him. Just then Jack thought he better do something or the Mayor won't be to peachy towards me.  
  
Just as Jack got both feet out of his casa he was jumped. He was put in a strangle hold and under the effects of ether. He woke up in one of the lower levels of the winter mine, no wait it was bottom because he tipped his chair and fell flat into the lake. There, in front of him stood a dark, hooded figure silhouetted against the walls of the cave. He spoke not a word and stood irregularly still for a human. He then slowly pulled an envelope out of the folds of his robe. And then gas started to fill the tunnel and Jack passed out  
  
When Jack came to he was under his charred apple tree with the envelope on his chest and a note attached to what was left of his apple tree by a knife. The note said:  
" Take this envelope to Jeff down at his supermarket and DON'T OPEN IT! And be careful, they are all over the place"  
  
Jack decided he better do what the note said. He wasn't one for messing with mysterious beings in robes that douse people with chloroform. He had trained himself not to go anywhere in the village via Rose Square because of the action going on there. As of pretty lately the square has been packed with outsiders and you have to realize how private Jack's peaceful, little village used to be. No one was out anymore. Duke sat in his wine house for most of the day with a shotgun and Ellen had been robbed of what little she had many times over. And just as his train of thought ended Jack was right outside Jeff's Supermarket.  
  
Jeff walked in just like he was on a casual visit, but believe me, nothing in the village is casual anymore. Jack sensed a bit of apprehension because of his lack of knowledge of who "They" were. Jeff came out of the back room with a grim look on his face. Jeff took the envelope of Jack and opened it. As Jeff read the letter in the envelope a scow spread across his face. "They got Harris, the Mayor wont be pleased."  
  
"May I ask who "They" are" Said Jack.  
  
"They happen to be the Ocean Mafia. They have been trying to get a monopoly in trade in this region. They've scared everyone away from their towns and villages exept us. For a while they just left us alone, and then you came. Now they want all your produce to themselves. They want all us merchants out of here. They burnt your crops to scare us away. They don't know who they're messin' with.  
"Thanks for clearing that up" said Jack.  
  
"It's not all clear yet. One of Kia's men is in the mine by the hot spring. We think he should sell out to us for a cool 500,000g. Use your own money. I'll repay you as soon as I sell the information you get to my people. I'm not telling you who my people are, NOW LEAVE!"  
  
Jack was reluctant at first to accept Jeff's assignment but he figured he may as well because he had nothing better to do. And even if he used his money he'd still have about 65,000g left. Jack would have to be sneaky because this was the time of day the Ocean Mafia got their protection money of Duke. Just as Jack turned onto the street Duke lives on five men dressed in navy blue sprinted out of Duke's wine cellar. Jack figured he better get past there quickly because he didn't know hat was going to happen. Suddenly Jack felt like he was being chased and he was. Jack was running as fast as he could but the men were gaining fast. And then, almost simultaneously, Jack tripped and there was a huge explosion. Shrapnel flew everywhere and as Jack looked back all four of his pursuers were completely decapitated. Jack began to walk briskly to his destination once again. Jack hadn't been up to the hot spring in a while and when he got there he was thoroughly surprised. A large metal door had been fitted on the mine. Jack approached the door and gave it a sharp rapping. The door opened and two men came out. One said "You got the money"  
  
Jack was led to a table in the far left corner of the top level of the mine and was told that the person he was meeting with would be there in a minuet. About forty-eight seconds later a man approached the table in a log black trench coat and said to one of the guards "How many people are in here."  
  
"Just us four" replied the guard.  
  
"Good" said the man then he pulled out a pistol and blew the two guards away.  
  
"Who are you" asked Jack.  
  
"Don't worry about that just take this disk to Douglas" said the mysterious man.  
  
Jack then apprehensively walked out the doors and straight to Doug's house. He knew Doug could decode the message on the disk. Nothing has really changed at the inn exept for the assault rifle always strapped around Doug's back. Jack walked into the bar and handed the disk to Doug and he walked me to his back room. The screen flashed:  
*** failed  
  
*** failed  
  
*** accepted  
  
***Ocean Mafia***  
principal business: protection, small village disruption  
style: big bullies  
location of front: East Coast  
*** close  
  
"That's what we needed to know. Now take your axe and escort Lois here. He knows some people, and don't use the axe on him either." spoke Doug  
  
Jack just happened to have his axe on him so he made it to Gotz's pretty quickly. There was a whole lot of screaming going on inside. A foreign sounding man was screaming "Where is my money Louis, give it to me!"  
  
Jack took a mighty hack at the door and knocked it right off it's hinges. Jack acted on instinct and split the guy who was under 80 years old wig. Jack then untied Louis and took him on his way to Doug's. Jeff was supposed to meet Jack at Doug's to pay him and to talk to Doug and Louis. As they walked into the inn it was empty exept for Doug and Jeff sitting at a corner table. A plan was formulated.  
  
All through Spring Jack continued his work of a messenger, and then the day of the assault. It was a steamy summer night and you could feel tension in the air. But before Jack could report to Jeff to tell him he completed his assignment he was knocked out again.  
  
And no doubt there was the guy in the hood, but this time he was unveiled and Jack clearly saw the face of Zack. He said "You don't want to be in that place when the fight goes down. It's going to be a massacre. As soon as the Ocean Mafia soldiers pass Kai's Restaurant a proximity sensor is going to set off a bomb, come watch."  
  
Almost on cue, the minuet Jack and Zack stepped outside a huge explosion rang out and a huge mushroom cloud shot up into the air. "The last mission you were doing, meeting Rick at Mother's hill, was a set-up. Jeff tried to get you close enough to me so I could save you without being discovered. Now go home and get some shut-eye."  
  
The next day there was something peculiar in the Ocean Mafia death count, Kai wasn't one of the dead and Potpourri was nowhere to be found. Although the town has tried to forget these horrifying times. But don't think that the village is always prepared, for no one knows if Kai's return will come, or if there is going to be a return. But as for now, it's time to live on in liberation of the Ocean Mafia.  
  
-BooBoo 


	9. **Bonus**

Things to do in Science class That Bring on a Few Good Laughs  
  
1.Spill sulfuric acid on you lab partner  
2. Drink iodine  
3. Fart and blame it on the teacher  
4. If the teacher argues that it wasn't her, argue on with her for the whole period  
5. Pull your pants down and say your demonstrating a rocket flying through the solar system (if your male)  
6. Punch yourself in the nuts and ask to go to the nurse because you sprained your toe  
7. Sleep on the radiator  
8. Take all tests in yellow crayon  
9. Start preaching the word of God and than call your teacher a damn Confucius worshiper  
10. Confucius is sweet  
11. When you have to read a part out of your science text tell the teacher your illiterate and then after class stand outside her room and read "To Kill A Mockingbird" out loud  
12. If your a man, ask the teacher to go to the restroom because your on your period  
13. Sprint into Science when no one is in the room but you and the teacher and scream "Quit molesting me with that sodium sulfate condom!"  
14. Poop in a bag, take it to science, and give it to your teacher and say in a loud voice "Here, you said I could do shit for extra credit."  
15. Hide in the back closet and at the end of school say in a ghostly voice "Mrs. Hazelutters if you don't pass gas right now I will inject you with 1,ooo mg of a mercury-arsenic compound, Fwahahahaaaa!" 


	10. Goodbye

If you made it this far, thank you and goodbye.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When your life is so fucked up, everything is a joke 


End file.
